I took an IQ test online the other day and my immediate reaction is that the internet is a despicable, unreliable, repulsive black hole where evil is spawned. That should give you some idea of how I dood (when I thought I was smarter I would have said did).

Before I go into my actual score let me say that I was brought up to believe that I was a genius. Actually, my whole family considered themselves geniuses. Even my Uncle Hy, who thought that spider monkeys came from the mating of a monkey and a spider, was considered a genius.

And now, all of a sudden, I have discovered that my IQ is not the genius level of 145+ or highly gifted from 135-44, but I’m only gifted at 132. Okay, 128, but I’m still gifted. Okay, 124 – I’m not even smart enough to lie.

My first question is who set these levels? Who decided that 145 is a genius? I’m willing to bet $1,000,000 that his IQ wasn’t 144.

I suppose you think that I’m now going to question the validity of the test by saying it’s biased against men in their fifties who can’t sit still for twenty minutes without going to the refrigerator. Or that I’ll make fun of the questions by saying who cares how far two cars traveling in opposite directions at different speeds will go. With the price of gas these days no one’s going anywhere. Well, I’m not going to make fun of the test. I’m going to take the high road and make fun of people who actually are geniuses.

My neighbor, Aaron, is a genius. I know this because he’s told me several times. Aaron joined this club, MENSA, for really smart people. You have to be tested to get in and score in the upper 2% of the country. Aaron throws a party for his fellow MENSA members every month. And every month about eight of them come to my house by mistake because they can’t find Aaron’s. These MENSA people are not very bright. And I’m not just saying this because I’m not a member. Who am I kidding? That’s exactly why I’m saying it.

I’d like to do away with test scores and rankings altogether but there are too many people obsessed with them. There’s even research on the smartest dogs. The winners are the border collie and the poodle. I hear golden retrievers are very upset and are considering a protest rally (they just haven’t figured out how to hold up their picket signs).

And then, of course, there’s the argument that IQ tests don’t mean anything. Desire and hard work are much more important. There’s a documented case of someone with an 84 IQ who became a lawyer. Being a liberal I’m happy about this but am secretly afraid he’s my lawyer.

The real question is what good are those extra 25 points that would take me to the genius level of 145. Did I say 25 points? Okay, okay, I really scored a 120. I told you I wasn’t bright enough to lie.

Anyway, with those extra points maybe I could understand nuclear physics or macrobiotics or say, “Hello, I’m a genius” in Indonesian. However, I still wouldn’t be able to tell you which phone company is really the cheapest. In other words, it won’t help me get through life.

I guess what I’m really saying is that I’m still the same person I was before the test. And that I’m proud of who I am – a man with an IQ of 118. Oops.