The Really, Really Slow Jogger

My doctor told me that after you hit fifty, if you eat exactly the same foods and do exactly the same activities, you’ll still gain one-and-a-half pounds every year. 

There was only one thing for me to do – change doctors. Unfortunately, that didn’t help and as I keep growing older, I'm exceeding predictions and am steadily marching towards obesity (I’m also steadily marching towards the refrigerator).

Well, this year I decided to fight back! And since cutting down on my eating is not really a possibility, I decided I was going to exercise. I was going to become a really, really slow jogger.

First of all, it’s important to define who a “really, really slow jogger” is. It’s safe to say that if you’re in constant fear of being passed by someone who’s walking, you’re a “really, really slow jogger.”

Speaking from experience, the most important thing that a “really, really slow jogger” must be concerned about is not to look like a complete and total idiot. I have, therefore, devised ten simple rules that will help maintain your dignity while getting your daily exercise:

1. Don’t eat while you jog. I know it’s tempting, especially since it takes you about six minutes to jog past that doughnut store, but believe me, people will talk.

2. Before you start, put some water on your face to make it look like you’re sweating and have been jogging for hours. The great thing about jogging is that nobody knows exactly where you’ve started. You can be a “really, really slow jogger” because you’ve already run twenty-three grueling miles. It’s nobody’s business that you’ve only gone ten feet.

3. Always make sure people see you doing a lot of stretching exercises before you start jogging. If you’re tired one day, just do the stretches and then sneak home.

4. Choose the right wardrobe. Don't wear the latest trends in athletic garb. The last thing you need is for your clothes to be on a faster track than you are. You want to wear something that says, “Hey, I do this a lot, and I don’t care how I look.” Clothes that are beat-up and worn-out are preferable. It's usually very expensive to buy new, worn-in looking clothes, but it's worth it.

5. Whenever you stop, look like you’re in pain. You should never be just resting or taking a break. It should always seem like you just hurt something. It’s good to put one leg up on a park bench and start to knead it, as though you’ve got a cramp. If you’re really lucky, people will think you’ve pulled a hamstring, an excellent jock ailment.

6. Stay away from mothers jogging while pushing their baby strollers in front of them. It gets embarrassing when you’re passed by someone who’s recently given birth and is pushing heavy equipment. 

7. If, on the rare, rare, rare occasion you actually pass someone, really burn rubber and kill yourself to make sure you put them at least a half a block in the distance. You don’t want to be re-passed by the same person. It’s kind of like leaving a really bad tip in a restaurant and then realizing you forgot your credit card and you have to see your waiter again.

8. When it’s sprinkling out, still go jogging. Jogging in adverse conditions gives the world the impression that you’re a serious, dedicated athlete. However, don’t jog while holding an open umbrella. That’s definitely not the image you want.

9. Avoid approaching dogs. Because if you’re a “really, really slow jogger,” a passing dog usually gets five or six chances to bite you.

10. If you see any young joggers wearing ankle weights and carrying those tiny barbells, trip them. I’m not exactly sure what good this will do, but I guarantee you’ll feel better.

After six months of intensive exercise, I’m happy to say that I’ve slowed down my weight gain and will probably stay the same this year. The bad news is that my new doctor said I should lose ten pounds. Oh well, I’ll just have to find another doctor.