How Old Are You?

This vintage Sy Rosen column was originally published in 2007

I went to a job interview for a new sitcom and could tell the two young executive producers desperately wanted to know my age but didn’t want to directly inquire so instead asked round-a-bout questions like: How long have you been married? How old is your daughter? Can you hum the theme song to “Car 54 Where Are You?”

These days, just about everybody is obsessed with age. It’s even worse in Hollywood where the young would eat the old if they weren’t so afraid of gaining weight.

However, as I’m getting older, I’ve come to the self-serving conclusion that your age is not that cut and dried. Right now, I’m fifty-eight, but that doesn’t take into account all the different beauty and hair products, exercises and activities that supposedly take years off your age. Using health books, magazine articles, and wishful thinking, I’ve come up with a chart to determine my real age.

Starting Age – 58

Diet – I eat blueberries, cantaloupe, cauliflower, broccoli, mushrooms, and Kohlrabi (I’m taking an extra 6 months off for knowing what Kohlrabi is).

     Minus 4-1/2 years

At night I stick my head in the refrigerator and eat cake. If no one is looking I don’t use silverware.

     Plus 1-1/2 years

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Pets – having a pet for a companion supposedly lowers your blood pressure. Also, people have told me that when they’re depressed or lonely their dog snuggles up to them. My dog snuggles up to me whenever I’m eating cake.

     Minus 5 years

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Appearance – I dye my hair.

     Minus 6 years

My hair has a slight green tint to it which only looks okay on St. Patrick’s Day.

     Plus 1 year

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Making new friends – Having strong interpersonal relationships takes years off your age. Last week I had a meaningful conversation with a waiter who told me how fresh the tuna was.

     Minus 4 years

The tuna wasn't fresh which led to a meaningful conversation with a doctor.

     Plus 1 year

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Losing weight – One book said you can take years off the way you look by getting rid of your double chin. And if you can't actually lose weight, wear loose clothing around your neck. I now only go out of the house in a toga.

     Minus 5 years

The same book suggested that women use blush on their cheeks to take attention away from their double chin. I also tried that. Not only do I look thinner, but the blush helped make some new friends. 

     Minus 5 years

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Exercising – I jog two miles every day. I consider it jogging even though people who are walking occasionally pass me.

     Minus 6 years

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Drink plenty of water – This removes toxins from your body. In addition, some studies have shown a link between harder water and a decreased mortality from heart disease. I’m taking three years off for the water and an extra two years for the exercise I get walking to the bathroom.

     Minus 5 years

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Smiling, grinning and laughing – these activities supposedly make you younger. I now walk down the street giggling to myself

     Minus 4 years

Yesterday, a lady with a slight mustache thought I was laughing at her, and she slugged me.

     Plus 1 year

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Standing next to an older person – this makes you look younger. Last week I had lunch with my good friend, Barry, who is nine years older than me. And luckily, he wasn't feeling well so he looked even older. In addition, I told him to order the tuna. 

     Minus 6 years

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I may be overly optimistic, and my math may not be that great, but according to my calculations my real age is twelve, which is perfect for the sitcom job. The only problem is that I have to relearn my bar mitzvah speech.