Giving Care Through Deep Listening

In the early 2000s, I entered a Master of Arts in Transforming Spirituality (MATS) program at Seattle University. I had left a tenured university position because I felt called to return to Seattle and to work spiritually in the world. I was in my late 50s. Seattle had been my home since the mid-‘60s when I first came here as a beginning teacher. I moved away for work at a university in Florida but longed to return to the Seattle area. 

When I entered the MATS program, I had no idea where it would lead. They promised students that we would figure that out by the time we were ready to graduate in three or four years. To help us discern what was next, we each did a three-quarter internship someplace in the community. I chose to work at an adult day center in Rainer Valley. It was a transformative experience for me and helped me discern that I wanted to work in the field of the spirituality of aging after graduation. 

The concept of adult day centers is brilliant. They provide gathering places for people who may be isolated in their homes. They give relief to family members who need a break from caring for a loved one. They provide a sense of community, joy, and friendship, as well as a meal for those who visit.

Activities are diverse and include doing simple exercises, holding group discussions, listening to books or presentations, making music together, creating art, having a meal together, holding intimate conversations with another person, and receiving medical care, among other things. 

One of the things people most loved when I did my internship was to tell their stories. Sometimes we did that with a small group in a “Story Circle.” Sometimes we did that one on one. In each of these instances, the focus was on deep and respectful listening to whoever was speaking. 

Our stories reflect our lives and recalling them helps to bring back memories of times past and moments that had meaning to us. Cesare Pavese said, “We don’t remember days, we remember moments.” Providing a context for sharing moments can be a gift.

Often, Story Circles are also called “Wisdom Circles.” People who participate must pledge to follow these rules: One person talks at a time while others listen. What is shared in the Wisdom Circle is private, and not to be shared with others. Participants only listen unless an individual asks for feedback or is willing to answer questions. In a Wisdom Circle, the leader might start by asking people to describe what they have learned from making a mistake, taking a risk, or doing something they have never done before. It can be any open-ended question that might evoke a wise answer. 

A Story Circle might include talking about an adventure someone had, an exciting time in their life, what their first job was, what their hardest job was, etc. In each of these instances, people are invited to tell how they felt about the experience(s) they were having. The feeling component is important. 

I was blessed to have the opportunity to get to know two different African American women who had some amazing life adventures. I offered to meet with them individually and record their stories on paper. They were both grandchildren or great-grandchildren of slaves and had grown up in the rural south in poverty of things but richness of love and culture. 

One had ended up in the Midwest indentured to a family who took her out of school when she was in fourth grade and had her work as a servant. So, she never learned to read. She did learn to sew and ultimately worked at Children’s Orthopedic Hospital making gowns for the children. Since I used to teach children to read, I had her record her story on a tape recorder, and I typed it up in large print and gave it to her along with the tape. My hope was that she would gain some confidence as a reader when she could read her own story. What was written on paper might make sense, as they were her own words. 

Another woman who helped to facilitate the Story Circle got the idea of creating a book of some group members’ favorite personal stories about their lives. One of them was a former professional photographer who brought his camera and took individual pictures of each “storyteller.” We combined one story from each person with their picture and pulled all of them together to create a book printed on glossy paper and bound together in a collection. 

We had copies printed for each person to receive and one to stay at the day center. Each contributor invited a friend or family member to come to the book reveal party. Everyone dressed in their best clothes, and we had a presentation of this wonderful book of their stories. Excitement and celebration prevailed. It was a wondrous thing to be listened to by others and to feel important enough that their stories and pictures were in this book. 

Listening to each other and being listened to by others, even just by one person, acknowledges the value of those being heard. It is a sacred and loving act. 

May you find great joy getting to know the people you are with every day. May you find ways to listen, understand, and hold sacred the stories and lives of the people you meet. 

Carol Scott-Kassner is a spiritual director and member of Sage-ing International, an organization that supports the development of spiritual depth as we age. For more information, visit sage-ing.org.

This article appeared in the RSVP "Experience in Action" newsletter and is courtesy of Solid-Ground.org. Here is a link to the full newsletter: Experience in Action