The Rant of a Scarfing Illiterate
March 27, 2023 at 12:23 p.m.
...by Marilyn Michael
I see them everywhere and they taunt me, women who scarf with aplomb. They glide smoothly by, the tips of designer
Whenever I don a scarf of any design or texture all I get is a flop and hang. They lie beneath my chin radiating blah to the world. It’s as though I’ve added a style feature that cancels out any that my outfit may have had.
Why does every scarf I’ve ever tried to wear end up, well, I have to say it, flaccid? You get the picture, they lie there dangling limp as though in need of an infusion of those pills that I can only remember the name of by thinking of Niagra Falls. Now there’s a possibility, maybe there’s an organic cause of lack of scarfing talent. Could it be hormones? They’ve got medication for everything else.
Not many things in life have bested me (except maybe higher math) but scarves have done it.
Tutors are no use. I’ve sat with determination through classes with other scarfing illiterates. It always happens, like positive thinking gurus, they make you think you can do it; you leave excited to transcend your fashion limitations, but then the let-down. You stand in front of the mirror at home, scarf in hand, and realize they’re like a woman who shares her secret recipe leaving out a key ingredient.
I once bought a very expensive scarf, you know, the one with the designer signature woven in the corner, thinking that was the secret. I hoped the more you pay the better they hold a knot. Forget it, all I got was an expensive flop and hang.
Someone should offer scarf insurance. I’d gladly buy it. If you end up with a scarf disaster, it would pay for a scarf expert to show up at your door to tie it brilliantly. Then I could be sitting here out-aplombing the gal whose scarf is currently mocking me from across the room. ❖
Marilyn lives on a boat in the shadow of the Space Needle. She has practiced and taught NeuroTherapy Training for decades (www.therapyofthefuture.com). A writing inspiration has been Erma Bombeck because we all need to take life a little lighter and laugh more. Marilyn leads the Wallingford Writer's Workshop at the Wallingford Community Senior Center.
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