Gratitude: Never Wasted Time

GRATITUDE: Never Wasted Time!
By Ariele M. Huff

When I was first with my husband, I noticed he did an unusual thing.  He frequently told me and many other people how much he appreciated things.  He didn’t wait for the really big gift or the heroic effort to say thanks.  Appreciation and gratitude were continually on his lips.

I had to step back from this at one point and decide if it irritated me or not; it was that unusual an experience in my life. Did I find it aggravating to be stopped as I carried a load of laundry to the washer and be thanked for doing so?  Isn’t it over the top to hear how much Brad appreciates what a lovely home we have each time he steps in the door?  Do other spouses really thank each other for a kiss or a hug?

My first reaction was confusion: What did he want?  On reflection that seemed clear— more of the same.  My next reaction was to wonder if my husband was so continuously complimentary because he was weak.  Were these unctuous requests for my approval and continued love/service/expenditures?  If that was the case, why were there never recriminations when he didn’t get a proof of love?  If he was weak, why didn’t he seem weak?

At this point, I began to wonder how any person could afford just to drop these compliments like so many lovely flowery, lace-edged valentines clearly with no expectation or need for their return.  After all, I had seen him leave a sweet word with a cashier who was friendly, a stranger in the parking lot who was returning shopping carts to the store, a neighbor whose small garden was nice but not spectacular.  Didn’t this effusion of appreciation deplete some hidden resource within my mate?  Wouldn’t he run out, probably exactly when he needed extra reserves most?  Even as I thought this, it seemed ludicrous.  There were no signs of running out.  In fact, these numerous verbal gifts seem to leave Brad revitalized himself.

My process of observation netted me these conclusions: Expressing gratitude at every opportunity without any expectation of return makes other people feel good, it feels good to the person doing it, it doesn’t seem to annoy anyone, it sometimes provides a return, it does not drain a limited resource, and it is not a sign of weakness.

Hmmm, I said to myself, maybe I should try it.  So I tried it tentatively at first, and I was observant of the response I got and how I felt.   Was I creating an expectation of more expressions of gratitude that would be onerous to fulfill?  Not if I only did it when I wanted to.  Did it feel insincere?  Not if I was sincere.  Did it feel like a waste of time?  No, it felt like an easy thing to do, and it didn’t require any time I wasn’t already utilizing interacting with someone.  Would people think I was strange because I was showing gratitude for something most people wouldn’t mention?  Although I have gotten some curious looks, it seems everybody likes to be acknowledged.

After an initial period of testing, I became more comfortable giving recognition to others for their laudable behaviors, whether small or large.  And I also began to express gratitude, as my husband does, to the Universe in general for warm sunshine, a beautiful snowfall, an unexpected flower along the roadside, the purr of a cat, a day-off from work, a good day at work.

Finally, I even began to be openly thankful for the value of a difficult experience: the lesson learned on a tough day at work, the important message brought by a physical injury, the necessary information delivered by an argument or confrontation.

What else is there to say?  Thanks for listening.  And thanks, Brad, I appreciate what you taught me, and I’m grateful you are in my life.

First published in 11/95 in The New Times.

Ariele M. Huff, a lifetime Washingtonian, has written published columns, fiction, poetry, articles, and 32 books since she began at 12. Editing over a dozen periodicals and hundreds of books, and teaching writing classes for 45 years added more joy to her relentlessly word-oriented life.  

SHARING STORIES is a weekly column for and about the 50 plus crowd living in the Puget Sound region. Send your stories and photos to ariele@comcast.net. Tell local or personal stories; discuss concerns around aging and other issues; share solutions, good luck, and reasons to celebrate; poems are fine too. Pieces may be edited or excerpted. We reserve the right to select among pieces. Photos are always a plus and a one-sentence bio is requested (where you live, maybe age or career, retired status, etc.).

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