Working and Dreaming

Enjoy this vintage column from Sy Rosen

Okay, as I mentioned before, I am back to work which is good for a 65-year-old. I feel valuable again. Of course, why should my value be contingent on having a job? There are more important things that contribute to my self-worth. For example, I have good hair. Okay fine, I’m making a joke (and my hair is not that great) but going back to work does make me feel good and my wife is certainly happy that I’m out of the house. However, I have noticed that there are a few changes in the office situation, which have nothing to do with the job itself. And one of the biggest changes is the lottery.

There’s this fairly new (for me) concept of office workers pooling their money to buy lottery tickets together and then splitting the winnings. Since the odds are about a billion to one of winning (about the same odds as my losing ten pounds), I’ve never been a big fan of the lottery. But now I am forced to go in and the reason is simple – I couldn’t stand it if my co-workers won and I didn’t enter. I can picture them in the office jumping for joy and me sitting in a corner eating a peanut butter and jelly sandwich and pretending I was happy for them.

And so I put in five dollars a week – five dollars that I could use for something important like buying three boxes of Raisinetes (I told you I wasn’t going to lose weight).

Each week, while we wait for the winning lottery numbers to be announced, we speculate about what we will do with our millions. Yes, we are certifiably insane.

Ralph says he’ll buy an island and live on it. I don’t like Ralph too much so I’m kind of encouraging him to move to that island now. Frank says he will still continue working because the office is his life. I think if we do win, Ralph should use his money to seek psychiatric help. Agnes says she will use the money for plastic surgery. The goal being that she’ll look twenty years younger. I tell Agnes that she looks good just the way she is. Agnes then eyes me suspiciously as though I were trying to worm my way into her heart so I could get her share of the winnings.

My wife Wanda and I would start living life to the fullest, which probably means we would splurge and buy a $6 Coke when we go to the movies. I would also set up a college fund for our granddaughter Summer. Heck, maybe I’ll buy her a college. And, of course, some of my winnings will go to cryogenics research because with all that money I won’t want to die.

I would also like to anonymously give some of the money to charity. And then, of course, I would tip off the newspapers that I gave it anonymously. There’s nothing more satisfying than secretly giving a gift and then being discovered.

And so every week I chip in five dollars for the lottery and every week I know I will lose. The lottery is kind of like life – you keep going because what choice do you have. Wow that’s really deep. I’m not exactly sure what it means but if I win the lottery, I can hire someone to explain to me what I just said.