Grieving the death of a loved one is like a roller coaster, with lots of ups and downs. Just when the bereaved feel like life is better, suddenly a “grief attack” or “memory embrace” may occur and they feel as though they have regressed.

Grief takes a lot of energy. There are no quick fixes to remedy it. There is no timetable for grief. Each person will grieve in his/her own way and the process will take as long as it will take. One can not go under, over or around grief. The bereaved must face their pain, and move toward and through their grief.

The experience of grief is unique to each individual and to each loss a person endures. During the journey, grief presents a variety of ever-changing challenges. Grief rarely looks exactly the same from one moment to the next, resembling a kaleidoscope, as the view is constantly changing from shock and numbness to denial, anger, guilt, deep sadness, tears and fears, to name a few.

For the bereaved, over time, many of these difficult kaleidoscope views become less frequent, less intense, shorter in duration and better managed. The bereaved may go through these feelings more than once in life, but usually become more skillful in managing grief with time, support and experience.

As Elizabeth Kubler Ross, a noted grief expert, once said, “In every stage of grief, there is a sense of hope. Hope and renewal are at the heart of our existence, as in all human experiences.”

When grief is new, it wraps our life in pain. When grief journeys on, it teaches endurance. When it grows up, it shows us how to heal.

So while grieving, be gentle with yourself and have patience and faith in the process. History has shown us that most people are fortunate to possess the resiliency of the human spirit.

Helping a Grieving Friend

…by Janet Park

When two friends, Mina and Barb, heard that my twin sister had died, they immediately called to express their sympathy for my loss. Teresa, another friend, sent flowers along with a handwritten note as a way of showing that she cared. I felt comforted by their gestures.

Other thoughtful calls and sympathy cards arrived in the days that followed. But no word from several long-time school friends who knew about my sister’s death. The weeks went by, but no response. I felt bewildered by their silence.

I discussed my feelings with Eileen Putter, a bereavement counselor. She assured me that this is a common problem.

Many people are uncertain about what to do or say when a friend’s loved one has died, Eileen said. “They may care deeply but aren’t sure how to reach out, or if they even should. Some think they shouldn’t intrude at a time like this. So they do nothing. ”

According to Eileen, who does group and individual counseling, “Another reason many people are hesitant to contact or talk with the bereaved about their loss is that they don’t want to witness tears and sadness. However, they should realize that it is okay for the bereaved to cry. In fact, it is important for them be able to grieve openly with friends.”

She adds, “It is better to do something than to do nothing. Let the bereaved know you care. Express your sympathy genuinely and openly that you are sorry for their loss. Don’t let the fear of saying the wrong thing keep you from speaking out. But if you can’t find appropriate words, a hug may be enough, or a hand on a bereaved’s shoulder, as a nonverbal way to communicate that you truly care. Most important is to just show up. Grievers need to know that they are not alone.”

Another counselor and grief educator, Harold Ivan Smith, agrees. “Grief sharing is not about fixing a person’s hurt, it is about showing up.” In his book, When You Don’t Know What to Say, he advises, “You can be there, not with words or explanations, but with your presence.” He suggests just being there, being quiet, sitting along side together in silence.

Should you prefer to phone, don’t say, “Call me if you need help.” Instead, say, “How can I help you? I’d like to be supportive to you in any way that I can.” As a helper, you can’t fix the grief but you can cook a meal, run errands, or share a memory of the loved one.

Avoid cliches and platitudes, such as “it was for the best,” “keep busy.” or “be strong.” Also, don’t say, “I know just how you feel” or “I understand,” or “She lived a good life.”

Should the occasion arise that you are with someone who has experienced a significant loss, don’t be afraid to bring up the subject, says Eileen. “Simply ask ‘How are you doing?” By avoiding the topic, you are letting the ‘elephant’ in the room’ exist. Or you can say, ‘I’ve been thinking of you lately and what you have been going through. Would it be okay to talk about the death of your loved one and your grief?

Sending cards is another way to let a friend know that you care. Include a personal hand-written note. If you are not sure what to say, just write, “I’m thinking of you at this time,” or “I’m sorry for your loss.”

Notes and cards can be read many times, serving as a timeless record of those who sent them. Reading them over and over can be helpful in the healing process and provides a sense of support and caring to the bereaved, Eileen says. It is comforting for them to hear stories about their loved ones. So don’t be reluctant to share such memories, either in writing or verbally.

Sending flowers or making a donation to a cause that was important to the deceased are also ways to express sympathy with meaning.

In the weeks and months that follow, continue to keep in touch. Visit your friend, go out for coffee or a walk. Best of all, be an active listener. Let the person talk about thoughts and feelings without any judgment on your part, she advises.

“It would mean a lot to the bereaved to be remembered on the anniversary of the death–either by an e-mail message, a phone call, a card or a lunch invitation. All convey to the bereaved that they are not forgotten during these difficult times,” she says.

Being able to talk to Eileen Putter about my concern was helpful for me, and equally good, she showed me what I can do for others who are grieving the loss of a loved one.

These articles appeared in the November 2012 issue of Northwest Prime Time, the Puget Sound region’s monthly publication celebrating life after 50.