Lately I’ve been getting a lot of advertisements and letters from funeral homes. Do they know something I don’t know? Did my doctor give them my name? Did they somehow get the results of my free Rite Aid blood pressure test?

The last letter came yesterday from a “memorial park.” I don’t know why they call it a park—there are no swings or see-saws and it’s definitely not a great place for a picnic.

Actually, all the letters make it seem like I’m in for a good time. Phrases like “plan ahead for your journey” sound like I’m going on vacation, although I’ll just need a one-way ticket. And of course, there’re those other expressions, “perpetual peace” and “eternal resting” (I would rather just take a short nap). ”Deathcare” is another popular term these days. It makes it seem like my every need will be attended to—although I’m not sure how much I’ll need. I definitely don’t want a nurse turning me over every few days.

Each mortuary also had their own slogan. One slogan I really liked was “A place to remember” … you certainly don’t want to forget where you’re buried. Another catchy slogan is “Rest assured we have space.” I’m happy about that because I wouldn’t want someone moving in on top of me. Perhaps the best mortuary slogan I read was “We put the fun in funeral.” Instead of shoveling dirt over the coffin maybe they just throw confetti.

I guess it was inevitable that mortuaries got into the advertising game. After all, funeral homes are big business and, unfortunately, they always have customers.

These mortuary slogans got me thinking of all the popular advertising slogans that have been around for years (like Where’s the Beef?) and the ones that just wouldn’t work for a cemetery (like Where’s the beef?).

Here are my favorite inappropriate slogans for a gravesite:

• Can you hear me now? – If they can, they’re gonna start digging.
• We bring good things to life – Not in this place.
• Lose 20 pounds for $20 – Save your money; you’re now on a different kind of diet.
• Reach out and touch someone – Not unless you’re a zombie.
• You’ll be lovelier every day with Pink Camay – I don’t think it will help.
• How do you spell relief? – Not this way.
• I’m lovin’ it – I’m not even liking it.
• You too can have a body like mine – I don’t think this is what Charles Atlas meant.
• Let your fingers do the walking – There will be no more walking.
• Look ma, no cavities – No skin either.
• Where will you be when your laxative starts to work? – Right here.
• You’ve come a long way, baby – Yeah, six feet.

I’m not a big fan of death—it’s too pushy and final, and, frankly, it scares the heck out of me. If I were running a mortuary, I would choose a slogan that would soften death’s image. A phrase that gives hope to the idea that death is just a temporary state — A ‘way station’ on our journey to heaven or reincarnation. I therefore think I would use a variation on the old Coca Cola ad and my mortuary slogan would be: Death – The pause that refreshes. ❖