Mary Ellen and I were relaxing on our backyard deck one evening. After swatting a few mosquitoes, I said, “You know, sweetheart, we should look into screening the porch.”
“Yes, Dick, you’ve been saying that every year for the past five years.”
A few minutes later, I mentioned how quickly the summer passes once the July 4th weekend is over.
“I know, you say that every year around this time.”
I also remarked that the neighbors don’t grill out as often as we do. Apparently, I had made this observation before. Several times.
Suddenly, I felt this great pressure. After forty-five years, I didn’t have a single new thought to offer. I take great pride in my creativity, but clearly, I was no longer snappy with the repartee. Several moments of uneasy silence followed. Mary Ellen finally spoke…
“When it gets this hot, I think about cutting my hair shorter.”
“Where have I heard that before?” I asked. “Like every time we sit outside.”
At that moment, we both realized we needed a way to jazz up our conversations. Mary Ellen had an idea: “I read this article in the doctor’s office…”
I’ve seen some of those covers of Cosmopolitan, and I was just praying that was where she saw it. Phooey, it was from Good Housekeeping. Mary Ellen said the writer recommended that longtime married couples should pretend they are going out on a first date. That would make for an exciting and potentially romantic evening.
It was an old idea, but I agreed it was worth a try. So, on Friday night I asked Mary Ellen out on a date. She was annoyed because I waited until the last minute, assuming she didn’t already have Saturday night plans. To be really suave, I went outside the house Saturday night and rang the doorbell, like it was a real date. I thought that would make a big impression on her, but she’s no dummy and realized I had simply forgotten my keys.
We drove off in the car. “What shall we talk about tonight, Dick?”
“If this were a first date, we’d probably chat about movies we have seen.”
“Okay, great idea. I just saw the new Mission: Impossible movie.”
“I saw that, too.”
“I know, Dick, we saw it together. We were sitting right next to each other in the theater.”
“Gone to any good restaurants lately, Mary Ellen?”
“No, my husband likes to go to the same places all the time.”
“Mary Ellen, you are not supposed to have a husband. This is a first date. What kind of a jerk do you think I am, going out with a married woman? Let’s try travel. Have you ever been to Iceland?”
“We went last year. How could you forget?”
“I didn’t forget. I’m making conversation. That was the whole point of this.”
“Well, it’s getting too weird for me. I feel like I’m dating a man who’s lost his memory.”
We tried everything that people would chat about when getting to know each other: music, religion, and politics.
Honestly, we didn’t hit it off, but there must have been something brewing on some level because despite a dismal first date, we both ended up back at my place.
