Theme parks are great for the kids or grandkids, but it’s becoming harder and harder for me to relate to rides like Blaster, X, Scream, and Supreme Scream. Instead of Scream, I would probably relate more to a ride called Complain. Therefore, I’ve decided to design my own theme park primarily for seniors. I’m still working on a name, but have so far come up with Aging Waters, Jumpin’ Geriatrics, or Metamucil Mountain. (I’m not real proud of these and welcome any suggestions.)
Our park will have a few specific goals and policies. All seniors get a discount, but the cashiers will doubt whether any of us really qualify. Each cashier will be trained to say, “Oh my gosh, you can’t be that old!”
As I’m aging, I’m finding myself getting up and going to bed earlier. Therefore, our senior park will open at 5am and close at 4pm. This will give us plenty of time to get the early bird dinner special at our favorite restaurant.
There will be no height requirements for rides because I’m concerned about the shrinking problem. I don’t want to qualify for a ride one year and find myself too short six months later.
And, as far as a dress code, there is none. However, anyone wearing plaid or white pants will get an additional 10% discount.
And now for the specific attractions and rides: Instead of a Petting Zoo we’ll have a Grandchildren’s Zoo. There will be a fenced-off area where young children will sit on our laps and pretend to be our grandchildren. They will listen to our advice and stories about the good old days without rolling their eyes. And, we don’t have to worry about them leaving us for a play date or a soccer match because the fence is lightly electrically charged. (Ha Ha)
And, instead of a Guess My Weight booth we will have Guess My Cholesterol Level. This, of course, will include good and bad cholesterol. We will also have a Fun House where the reflection in the mirror will be us at fifteen—pimples, braces, bad teeth, and bell bottoms. Hopefully this will shock us into realizing that we’re better off today than when we were as teenagers.
Theme parks usually have many roller coasters concentrating on speed. I don’t know about you, but I’m having enough stomach troubles without actually paying for more. In addition, as I get older, I find myself driving slower and more cautiously. Therefore, we will have a How Slow You Can Go ride on simulated freeways. The goal is to see how much under the speed limit we can drive without actually breaking the law. And anyone who causes a major traffic jam wins a complimentary pass to the park.
Legoland may be great for kids, but I don’t know how exciting or worthwhile it is for seniors. I just don’t care that much about building a plastic robot. Therefore, a section of our theme park will be Replacement Parts Land, where you can build new kidneys, livers, or any other vital organ you might need.
Instead of a Peter Pan ride there will be pan contests throughout the park. There will also be poker, bridge, and mahjong tournaments. In addition, there will be a Whack the Gopher booth, but instead of gophers popping up they will be puppets resembling any congressman or senator who voted against protecting Social Security and Medicare.
We will also have a section of the park where we will recreate a small town. In this town there will be health insurance for everyone, high enough interest rates to live off our savings, reasonable drug prices, and everyone will be treated with dignity and can work at their jobs for as long as they want without worrying about forced retirement.
Come to think of it, I think we’ll call the theme park Fantasyland.
