| September 20, 2022

From 1987 until 2012, I occasionally tuned into “Car Talk” on National Public Radio. It was hosted by the Magliozzi brothers, Tom and Ray. I know nothing about the inner workings of cars, but I am no stranger to the humorous dynamics of Italian families and I loved their lighthearted banter. One day while they were discussing transmissions, they got on to the subject of the lessons learned from their sainted mother. I grabbed paper and pen and this happened:

LISTEN TO YOUR SAINTED MOTHER

Be sure to wipe your feet

And do not slam the door.

Pick up all your toys–

Or you won’t get any more.

Wash behind your ears

And dry between your toes.

Comb your hair and brush your teeth

And never pick your nose.

Don’t kick or bite or burp out loud

Or antagonize your brother.

And always you must listen

To your sainted mother.

Turn around, young lady.

Go back and change that dress.

I doubt if you can take a breath.

Your ribs are under stress.

So cover up. Put on some clothes.

Your pleading will not swerve us.

The fashion may be cutting edge

But it makes your father nervous.

Don’t chew gum. Don’t slouch or sprawl.

These words aren’t meant to smother.

It’s important that you listen

To your sainted mother.

If you use my car,

Please put back the seat.

I’d like my rear to end up near

Where feet and pedals meet.

Kindly leave your skin

The way that God intended.

Stop and think since tattoo ink

Cannot be amended.

Listen to your inner voice

And if I have my druther,

This voice of wisdom, you’ll derive

From your sainted mother.

When you’re away at college,

Avoid the boozy blasts.

A pickled brain cannot retain

Anything that lasts.

If your money’s running short,

It’ll do no good to try

To hit up Mom and Dad again–

The well is running dry.

Someday you’ll have children

And one way or another

You’ll tell them they must listen

To their sainted mother.

* * *

Here are some of Pat’s thoughts about “payback” after the kids grow up…

PARENTAL ASSISTANCE

Here is my laptop.

I’ve messed up again.

I pointed and clicked

And that is right when

All of my programs

Refused to respond.

Now I must call on

The parent child bond.

Please, will you fix it—

Pull out all the stops

And think of the time

When you were laptops.

* * *

RETRIBUTION

Our children are having children;

Now it’s time for retribution.

When faced with misbehavior,

They’re in charge of the solution.

When things start getting testy,

I put on my coat and hat.

And just before I reach the door,

I say, “Good luck with that!”

* * *

DÉJÀ VU

“He’s looking out my window!”

“She’s breathing all my air!”

“He’s hogging more than half the room!”

“Am not!” “Are too!” “No fair!”

Their mother says she’ll stop the car

And they’ll get what is coming.

Grandma zips her lips

But déjà vu is softly humming.

* * *

HEADS OR TAILS

Here come the headlights.

The grandkids are here;

Filling our hearts up

With love, hope and cheer.

There go the tail lights.

We’re pooped and need rest—

Can’t decide if the heads

Or the tails are the best.

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