A Birthday Roast
Ding Dong! Pound, Pound, Pound! “WE KNOW YOU’RE IN THERE!” Two more guests arrive to mingle with the sixteen already in our house for my sixtieth birthday roast. My daughter has invited my friends, ordered a cake, and made foods. Her decorations and signs are designed to poke fun at me and to embarrass me.
Laughing faces roar their approval as each person tells bad things I have done or pranks I have committed. They make me sit on a tall chair under bright lights. My tailored tuxedo and crisp shirt feel hot in the strong lights. Smokey candles add to the room’s warmth, along with hot foods and too many people. Camera flashes go off frequently, documenting my official humiliation.
I must stay silent as my friends “drag my name through the mud” in their payback for years of tormenting and teasing them. Such amateurs, I think. My cake arrives. It is in the shape of a huge poop and even has plastic flies on it. Everyone says it tastes fantastic and asks me for another piece. I gladly give them more “sh...!” ;-)
Everyone eating makes the room quiet. Champagne pours into glasses that clink, drinking toasts to my “downfall.” The salmon is steaming hot when I cut pieces for everyone. The fresh cornbread with butter tastes so good I briefly forget that I must thank each person for coming. Strong handshakes and whacks on my back remind me that I am liked after all.
Jack Parsons has been pranking in Edmonds for twenty-four years.
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